My Life After Shackles

I lived so long "suffocating" to breathe that I learned how survive with a "mask" on that allowed just enough clean air in my lungs to keep me alive. But the struggle consumed me from the inside out. I adapted so much to that way of life that the thought of living without it seemed simply unreal, fantasy like even. In a strange way I even depended on the mask. I could barely remember what it was like to breathe without it. I was tricked into believing that there was no way I could ever live without the mask, therefore, I'd better just accept that there was no hope of life breathing fresh, clean air deeply into my lungs. And though I tried off and on for many years, I eventually became numb to the mask and accepted it's fate for me. The mask was heavy on my head and shoulders and I could feel it's weight effecting every area of my life, but I learned to carry it. Until one day...and over time, I began listening and believing God in a new way. Where I had grown so numb and hopeless, I began having feeling and hope! I began believing that there was more to my life than this and that I didn't have to accept the fate of my mask. A mask I had no clue how to take off, let alone breathe without it. But as a learned to trust God more, to truly trust Him, no matter how hard, I began to have more and more breaths without the mask! There were many times I literally cried and screamed my way through it, but with each clean breath, I became stronger as I relied on God for the strength I didn't have on my own. And it was amazing and miraculous and so hard to fathom even while experiencing it! I can say with confidence that it was all God and not me! Believe me I tried on my own. For 15 years I tried and got no where but deeper in the dark pit that my mask liked to keep me. But once I really started to believe that God is Who He says He is and that He can do what He says He can do, breath by breath began to live in freedom from that mask that nearly suffocated me. I will be celebrating 2 years of living without it in a couple more months which totally blows my mind! But in this one year and 10 months, I am amazed at how quickly I adapted to complacency. Maybe it's because of having a deep struggle for so many years that it was easy for me to accept that there couldn't be much more for God and I beyond that miracle. But instead of pursuing Him harder after being set free, I came down off my spiritual high and began just coasting along. I quickly forgot, in a sense, how hard it was for so long. Even the sweetness of the victory has faded. Lately I'm reminded how easily it would be for me to slip back into a stronghold. For months now God has been tugging at me, and I've politely ignored and dismissed those "tugs" because not only did I accept my complacency, I rather enjoyed some of it's perks. In fact, lately I find my actions to be saying, "I want "this" more than I want, You, God." I find myself at another crossroad. I don't want to continue to ignore it. This isn't enough anymore. As selfish as it may sound, it's not enough to be free! I know He allowed me to be in those chains for 15 years for a reason, and He broke me out of a reason, too, to glorify Him! I have been given the opportunity to go deeper with God in a way I never could when I was shackled and I don't want to miss that because it's easier to just coast along and become content with being complacent. I've never stopped loving God and being thankful for what He has done for me and where He has brought me, but my passion has faded. And I want it back! So, God give me the strength I need to move forward with you and don't let me accept anything less than ALL I can have!